Re-work as first person, cut down on a lot of the descriptions by incorporating more of the feel of something like Unsong and increasing the amount of jump cuts.
Make the start of the flashback a new chapter, show it's a flashback due to Iyu introducing it "the first time..." as such, make a new chapter for when he's back in the grove.
Iyu finds the clarity of the Manti’s translated speech almost painful.
E621 listens to country music. Guitars, cadillacs is probably playing while E621 awkwardly sits in a room with E621.
Aside from referring to Iyu's yawning as 'expelling gasses', E621 calls eggs 'poultry menstration' or something similar.